I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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