did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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