I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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