oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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