so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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