I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
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