dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
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