the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Randomize
