Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
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I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
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And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
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