U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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