i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
