So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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