I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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