where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
