i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
