I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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