i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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