Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
