I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
