im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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