need another drink. this is the easiest way
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
