I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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