I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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