the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
