Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
