Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
