Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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