i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
