yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
