no, he came in my armpit
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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