saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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