I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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