i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
