you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
