GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Randomize
