I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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