I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
