forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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