for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
