She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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