I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
