And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Randomize
