If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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