i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Randomize
