my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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