Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
