Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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