you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
