you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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