you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
