She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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