forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
handjob tips. give me some.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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