Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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