I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Randomize
