Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
