quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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