I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
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