Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
