my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
