yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
