He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Randomize
