You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
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