wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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