My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
