If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
