that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
