Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
