the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
