She went from zero to smokin in five shots
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Randomize
